6 Steps for Effective Confrontation

 

by Excerpted from “God Will Make a Way: Personal Discovery Guide” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

One of the most powerful and effective ingredients of a good confrontation is explaining to a person how her attitudes or actions influence you: “When you do ‘A,’ I feel ‘B.’” In other words, you show how what another person does affects your emotions. This ingredient is also very important because it avoids blame and assault. Telling how you feel describes an internal reality of which the other person might not be aware. This is the opposite of the “blame barrage,” in which a person runs through the list of all the other’s infractions. Not many people can remain open and undefensive when hit with that. They become more invested in protecting themselves from all the badness, guilt, and condemnation being thrown at them. Keep the following tips in mind as you bring your feelings into the conversation.

1. Concentrate on feelings, not thoughts. Be clear about the feelings you feel, not the thoughts you think. This is a hard task; it is easy to use the word feel and then say a thought. For example: “When you negate my words, I feel like I shouldn’t say anything.” It would be better to say, “When you negate my words, I feel hurt and disconnected from you.”

2. Identify your feelings. Knowing what you are feeling is not a natural ability, and it may take a little work. Know the difference, for example, between being hurt, sad, angry, frustrated, afraid, and anxious. One mistake many people make is identifying angry feelings as hurt feelings. Sometimes they do this to avoid their own aggressive parts: other times they do this because they identify with being a victim, fearing that their anger may provoke others to hurt them. Have friends help you know when you are hurt and when you are angry.

3. Stick to your experience. In the same vein, stick to your own experience, not what you think the other person is doing. It is very easy to slip into focusing on the other person, and it can sound as though you are blaming him. Practice and role-play with friends to avoid this. For example, instead of saying, “When you negate my words, I feel like you don’t’ care about me,” say, “When you negate my words, I feel alone and unloved.”

4. Avoid the statement “you make me feel.” Though it is true that the other person highly influences you emotionally, convey to her that this is about your reaction to her rather than about her power and control over you. Avoiding this kind of blaming statement keeps the other person from reacting to being blamed: “I made you frustrated? How can I do that? Those are your feelings. I can’t control what you feel.” Making an association for her solves a lot of problems. Instead of saying, “You frustrate me,” say, When you are constantly late, I feel frustrated and unimportant.”

5. Own your part of the feelings. Your emotions do belong to you, and you may need to admit when you are oversensitive so that not all of the weight falls on the other person. Remember, you are not ascribing fault as much as opening a window into your heart so the other person can be drawn into your world. You might say, for example, “I know sometimes I get hurt too easily, and that’s not you, that’s me. But last night, when you made fun of my dress at the party, I really felt attacked and embarrassed.”

6. Be specific, specific, specific. Identify the behavior or attitude specifically so that the other person understands what you are talking about. Give him a description of what he really said or did, or what tone of voice he used, so that he has a picture of the situation. “When you teased me about my weight at the dinner table last night, I felt hurt.” Saying “When you do ‘A,’ I feel ‘B’” is, at heart, not only a way of confronting, but also a way of reaching out to the other person. Allow yourself, as much as it is safe, to let him or her see this part of your heart.